Fear

No not this bad Marky Mark movie of the 1990's



but real and actual fear. I fear one thing and one thing only: the unknown.....and sharks. But I want to talk about the former in this post and will talk about how I just know from years of watching Shark Week that a shark attack is probably the way my life will tragically end in another post.

So fear. I am not really good at talking about emotions with actual people. I am tough. I am nice, but I am tough. I try not to let things get me down. I am generally really optimistic. I try to turn anything into a joke, whether or not it is appropriate or too soon to be joked about. But, if Katrina taught us anything, sometimes those levies just bust wide open. Yeah....I know.... too soon...

Anyways, things that happen to me I never get afraid of. I once heard this quote my Marie Curie that I have tried to live by: "Nothing in life is to be feared. It is only to be understood." So I have taken that fully to heart. If there is something that I am afraid of I try to tackle it head on. Moving away from home? Check. I may hate it sometimes, but I am grateful for everything that I have learned about myself in moving away and it has helped me understand myself, families, and independence in a way that I would never have been able to do any way else. My former health problems? Ok, I let them get the best of me when I was in high school. But, I beat that. And now I am not afraid of anything that happens to me. I know who I am and that I am tough.

However, what, does scare me, and one thing that I cannot understand: is when bad things happen to the people I love. The fear of the unknown. Of not being able to control the outcome. Of not really knowing any way I can help. What I am talking about is how my Grandpa was diagnosed yesterday with an agressive form of prostate cancer. He is 82, and you know what they say, if you don't die first you'll live long enough to get some type of cancer. I don't actually know if that is a thing that people say. The Big C is something that happens to people all the time. I know I shouldn't be taken back or surprised......but I am. My Grandpa is my hero. Someone that if I lived my life to be half as great as he is, I would be a really successful person. He is 82 and in really great health. Someone that has taken excellent care of himself. I am just trying to wrap my head around the understanding part of this. I know that if I had to pick between my Grandpa's fighting spirit against his aging self and an agressive cancer, I would pick Gramps every time.

So here comes the time for trying to understand. I stayed up until 4 in the morning trying to learn about prostate cancer, how it is formed, warning signs, treatments, probabilities, preventions, potential for it to run in families, etc. Trying to understand so I can not be afraid of it. Reading about how to help loved ones who get the disease, so I can understand how I can best help my hero. Reading message board posts of people who have it so I can understand how they feel so I can understand and develop empathy. My hero has got a battle ahead of him. His own body is literally attacking him from within. It is hard to wrap my head around that. I am not going to lie, I am a little afraid. But I think I get my toughness from my hero, so I know that the Big C doesn't know what exactly it is up against.